Just a year back things were different... A year back i was clueless,blank, in complete misery, depressed,
negativity all around, no beliefs,given up on life, without friends, mentally unstable... in hope of some sort of a
miracle to take place, in hope of hope, in search of finding a true friend, in hope of restoring the love of a
loved 1, in hope of that this could be the day when everything would get better,in hope of that i wuld clear the interview this time, in hope of that maybe the phone would ring now and flash the number i have always waited for, waiting for 1 message that would ask "how are you?"
Would cuddle into my blanket and think about the days when there were peolple all around, cant call them friends now, when every friday everybody waited for me to make party plans, nad there would be boose flowing out likenething, dancing to any sort of music, sloshed to the core that they would stay at my place..... Was in the right frame of mind.. Getting up early in the morning so that more places could be discovered, so that i could njoi every bit of the beauty, of wat i called heaven. full of life, full of plans, full of emotions.
And there i was full of sadness, just talking to walls for hours, weeping like a baby, eyes red all the time,not
able to concerntrate on both personal or professional issues.....
Still remember the day, when it rained the first time in June, took a walk back from the office,Maybe it was my unconcious mind that guided me to my house, cos i certainly remember that conciously i was lost, lost in life... completely ripped off my confidence, a shattered person, the day i screwed my most precious posession, my phone... and ofcourse i am to be blamed for it.... never realized till i reached my building that it was not due to the rain that was my face was wet, wiped my tears off but could not hide my swollen eyes from my mother.
Rmember it clearly when i would cry my heart out infront of vaibhav over the phone and there he was not at all getting irritated like everybody did but always trying to console me and trying to tell me that everything would be fine. that would cheer me up for sometime, dreaming of the day when everything would be fine and goto sleep and wake up the next morning only to find that today is not the day.
There used to be this continous piercing in my heart and i always used to say and pray damn it now , GOD please take my life, But as usual he never listened to me..
There are many other things done but i would not like to mention them, not that my friends dont know but....
Today I am happy, because i have REAL friends, i have stopped crying, started living life,started dreaming, brought some meaning to my life, some purpose, some goals and maybe i guess i have found a reason to live...
I have started carrying my wallet again, i have started shopping,i have started boozing :), started to look forward to a new day and moreover weekend.... Reasons known..., Started writing Blogs, started making plans(bhagwaan jaanta hai kab implement karoonga), but i guess it still counts, started reading the news paper, started tracking the stock maket,still havent started wearing a watch(have it on the list,will do that soon),stopped mourning, started smiling.
Loved the fact that there were 2 people other than my parents who visited me at the hospital.. Love the fact that though i have very few people around me, i can and i will call them FRIENDS...
In this entire 1 year i was able to get back to my senses and realize things....
This 1 year, helped me out to recognize people and maybe recognize myself...
I am still evolving, dont know for good or for bad, but....
negativity all around, no beliefs,given up on life, without friends, mentally unstable... in hope of some sort of a
miracle to take place, in hope of hope, in search of finding a true friend, in hope of restoring the love of a
loved 1, in hope of that this could be the day when everything would get better,in hope of that i wuld clear the interview this time, in hope of that maybe the phone would ring now and flash the number i have always waited for, waiting for 1 message that would ask "how are you?"
Would cuddle into my blanket and think about the days when there were peolple all around, cant call them friends now, when every friday everybody waited for me to make party plans, nad there would be boose flowing out likenething, dancing to any sort of music, sloshed to the core that they would stay at my place..... Was in the right frame of mind.. Getting up early in the morning so that more places could be discovered, so that i could njoi every bit of the beauty, of wat i called heaven. full of life, full of plans, full of emotions.
And there i was full of sadness, just talking to walls for hours, weeping like a baby, eyes red all the time,not
able to concerntrate on both personal or professional issues.....
Still remember the day, when it rained the first time in June, took a walk back from the office,Maybe it was my unconcious mind that guided me to my house, cos i certainly remember that conciously i was lost, lost in life... completely ripped off my confidence, a shattered person, the day i screwed my most precious posession, my phone... and ofcourse i am to be blamed for it.... never realized till i reached my building that it was not due to the rain that was my face was wet, wiped my tears off but could not hide my swollen eyes from my mother.
Rmember it clearly when i would cry my heart out infront of vaibhav over the phone and there he was not at all getting irritated like everybody did but always trying to console me and trying to tell me that everything would be fine. that would cheer me up for sometime, dreaming of the day when everything would be fine and goto sleep and wake up the next morning only to find that today is not the day.
There used to be this continous piercing in my heart and i always used to say and pray damn it now , GOD please take my life, But as usual he never listened to me..
There are many other things done but i would not like to mention them, not that my friends dont know but....
Today I am happy, because i have REAL friends, i have stopped crying, started living life,started dreaming, brought some meaning to my life, some purpose, some goals and maybe i guess i have found a reason to live...
I have started carrying my wallet again, i have started shopping,i have started boozing :), started to look forward to a new day and moreover weekend.... Reasons known..., Started writing Blogs, started making plans(bhagwaan jaanta hai kab implement karoonga), but i guess it still counts, started reading the news paper, started tracking the stock maket,still havent started wearing a watch(have it on the list,will do that soon),stopped mourning, started smiling.
Loved the fact that there were 2 people other than my parents who visited me at the hospital.. Love the fact that though i have very few people around me, i can and i will call them FRIENDS...
In this entire 1 year i was able to get back to my senses and realize things....
This 1 year, helped me out to recognize people and maybe recognize myself...
I am still evolving, dont know for good or for bad, but....
It was really nice to see you have started 9 new things in your life and plans to start more soon...It gives a sense at least you listen to your heart and mind..
ReplyDeleteAnyone need to make a peace between heart and mind and you are one step more closer to that. The day you reach it to completion you we achieve everything in whole world..
Don think we need to see bad thing in crying as it helps in clearing the eyes :P but there are far more better ways to do that :)
Also, please do not brand us as REAL. it feels we are some mixed fruit juices available at stalls..again kidding..
kya karun aadat he buri hai..har cheez mazak mein lene ki aadat ho gayi hai....
Why to be so serious and ask GOD to do a SIN for you in the name of taking life.
We can have so much fun in this...so many places, people, nature and hell lot of things so explore which need not one but 100's of life to achieve it...
Lets all join hands and explore as much as we can and think about after life if we are able to achieve this!!!
PS: Thoda jayda philosophy ho gayi. Please bear with me.